Vision for Fullness

OK.. this one doesn’t have a song for a title. But there is a poem I wrote at the end if you keep reading (spoiler alert). 

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It’s hard to believe that almost two months have passed since I graduated from CGA.

CGA Graduation – August 31, 2017

Even though much has happened since then (which I’ll share about in separate blog soon), I’m still processing a lot of what I learned during my season at Adventures in Missions this summer.  

Many of the practical applications and theories on leadership and self-awareness top the list of take-a-ways. I’ve identified my core values, wrote a mission statement for my life (to connect others to God’s heart for them, for each other, and for the nations) and can talk about Myers-Briggs and Enneagram for hours, just to name a few things.

But one revelation, summed up in a single word, seems to be the most significant thing I’m bringing with me– “fullness.”

Before coming to CGA, I had conversations with God expressing frustration at the pattern my life was taking. I felt confident that He was leading me to re-connect with AIM. But it also meant that I was taking a giant loop.

My life’s timeline was about to look like growing up in Boca Raton, moving to Gainesville, FL for college, going on the World Race with AIM, returning to Boca Raton, then moving back to Gainesville, FL and then going back to be involved with AIM. I was circling from Boca to Gainesville, FL to Gainesville, GA and then back again.

I couldn’t help but wonder how that could be the strategy? It seemed slightly comical.

But about half-way through the CGA semester, in a class about Soul Care, our instructor brought up the concept of fullness. We discussed how much of our linear, Western thought can sometimes makes us feel like we should be further along than we actually may need to be.

We think “I’ve done this, therefore that. The end.” For example, “I’ve forgiven them, so therefore I shouldn’t think about it anymore.”

In our class discussion, we came to the conclusion that God’s heart for us is fullness and sometimes that actually includes circling around to deal with the same things over and over so that we can gain deeper levels of healing and growth.

This made sense to me based on my experience and what I’ve seen in the lives of others. How often do we wonder why we’re still feeling the same way about something we thought we let go of already? How often do we think we should be past something only for memories and emotions to put us right back in the same place?

We think, “I let go of that relationship, that sin, that offense, that whatever. I repented and surrendered it to Jesus. He paid for it. I get that. So why has this circumstance brought it back to the surface? Why am I so weak?”

Maybe you don’t think that. But I do.

So as I’ve processed since that class, I believe God has shown me that “the loop” is actually because of His grace and desire to take me deeper – that I could actually live the full, abundant life He promised. He’s not expecting me to always learn every single lesson only once. He is compassionate enough to let me learn and feel it again and again if that’s what I ultimately need.

CGA allowed me to gain new perspective in so many different areas that will make me a better Christian and leader, but this shift from frustration and impatience to gratitude for His grace is one that I hope to carry into every season from now on.

The circling back doesn’t mean we’re always going to struggle with the same things. There is real hope and freedom in Christ. I know there are things that I’ve dealt with in the past that are no longer issues for me.

But there are also times when a loop occurs. And I now see that it doesn’t have to be discouraging. It can also produce hope. It can be uncomfortable and beautiful at the same time. 

Life may circle and circle and circle but, in Christ, we end up full.  

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy;
I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
John 10:10 NIV 

ALSO.. my time in CGA gave me space to embrace new types of creativity so above is a painting I made and below is a prayerful poem I wrote called “Vision for Fullness.” Hope they lead you closer to Jesus’ heart for you like they did for me. 

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“Vision For Fullness”

O Lord, You see the things that I cannot see
You hold vision in Your hands
You see it clearly
And when I don’t see it
You give freely
You speak
Your heart is for relationship
For purpose
You give freely
You delight to be with us
You delight when we find delight in being with You
And You love us in the process of getting there

Help me to see
The things I don’t see
Bring them to light in Your perfect timing
With the fullness of Your grace
Take me deeper still
I know there is more with You
Even if it takes going a full loop
I want Your fullness
I want You

In the places where no thoughts seem to come
I want Your fullness
Where memories have yet to surface
I want Your fullness
Where pain and hurt and rejection run deep
I want Your fullness
In the spaces I still think others need to fill
I want Your fullness
In the callings and desire that are beautiful
I want Your fullness
Always